Fathers and Finances

As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints I seek after an ideal of family living which involves equality and varying roles among husband and wife.  This last week we discussed research topics that involved Work and Home. 

One consistency I found had to do with the challenges that develop when both parents are working outside of the home--at least while they are raising a family.  The textbook chapter also mentioned that work outside the home and work as we define it today has drastically changed over the last few hundred years.  It also mentioned how the industrial revolution caused a great shift in the way we view parents who take on the job of "homemaker."  In the textbook Marriage and Family, Lauer and Lauer (2012) state:

"...it is defined generally as nonwork, or at least as not real work...Of course...homemaking is every bit as demanding and exhausting as any work outside the home.  Indeed, men who spend time taking care of a house and children understand that homemaking is real work,"     

I feel it is important that we recognize the equality between husband and wife.  I find no reason or logic to weigh homemaking and outside work against each other.  Both are demanding, both require dedication and hard work.  

Communication

Fun Facts Regarding Communication:

- Compromise is not the very best way to make decisions in a relationship--contrary to popular belief.
- Practicing communication skills has thought to have been the number one relationship enhancer.  Research shows that those who receive counseling in communication skills actually show a decrease in marital satisfaction.

What has shown to be the very best method of decision making can be labeled as the collaborative decision making process or conflict resolution.

1. Identify/define issues
2. Contract to work through the issue
3. Clarify the issue completely
4. Identify wants for self, others, and us
5. Identify alternatives - brainstorm
6. Solidifying agreements - choose plan of action - think win/win
7. try the plan and review/renegotiate

 

The Family Under Stress

For this last weeks class we discussed different crises that inevitably come up in a family setting.  We were asked to think of a few that we would expect for our future family, and then anticipate how you could best be able to handle that crisis.  I thought of crises such as:

• getting into grad school and having to move
• the birth of the first child
• settling down in a more permanent residence
• birth of other children

In the our textbook it says, "You can't control all of the things that happen in your life, but you can control the way you respond to them."  One of the ways that we map out a crisis event in our class is by the ABCX model: 

Actual (stress) event

Both resources and responses

Cognition

                                                                    total eXperience 

Some of the coping strategies that I read in the textbook seemed to be very helpful and sensible.  One example reads:  "It is important to believe in yourself and in your ability to deal with difficult situations in order to be effective in a crisis.  In a crisis, you may have to remind yourself that you and your family are people with strengths and the capacity to cope effectively."

 

 

Sexual Intimacy and Family Life

I held a great misconception for the most of my life regarding sexual intimacy as it is expressed by individuals who adhere to religious practice; Christianity in particular.  I always held the belief that all Christians looked at sexual intimacy as evil, and in the context of marriage, an expression of love to be very limited.  The truth is that I was very wrong.

Sexual intimacy, in the context of pure religion is divinely appointed by God.  Sex is necessary; not only for the propagation of our race but for the uniting of a man and a woman--united under the act of marriage.  When sexual intimacy is understood in this context I feel it can be taught to young people in the proper way.  In today's society children are more likely to learn about sex from the media than from their parents.  What results is a sex-crazed younger generation with ill-conceived views on the proper expression of sexual intimacy between husband and wife.

   

Transitions in Marriage

In class this last week I realized that there is so much I have never even considered when it comes to marriage and having kids.

One aspect of preparing to have children that I feel was the most important to me was husband involvement with the pregnancy of the wife.  As husband and wife, during their childless time together develop behaviors and routines that begin to make up what Salvador Minuchin would call a spouse subsystem.  Minuchin explains what happens when a child is introduced to the family.

 

"A new level of family formation is reached with the birth of the first child.  The spouse subsystem in an intact family must now differentiate to perform the tasks of socializing a child without losing the mutual support that should characterize the spouse subsystem.  A boundary must be drawn which allows the child access to both parents while excluding him [or her] from spouse functions.  Some couples who do well as a group of two are never able to make a satisfactory transition to the interactions of a group of three," (Minuchin, 1980, p. 57).

I feel that in order to avoid this pitfall that Minuchin warns of, a couple has the opportunity to begin their family system of three before the child is even born.  This includes--as discussed in class--husbands attending prenatal appointments with wife, husband is actively engaged in progress of pregnancy, and seeks to help wife in any way possible.  The more involved the husband is with the child, the smoother the transition will be once the system moves from 2 to 3, 3 to 4, 4 to 5, and so on.

Preparing For Marriage

If there was one idea that I hoped all of my closest family and friends understood it would be this: The main principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ as applied to the family in the effort to build and maintain a satisfying family life,  are the same principles that social scientists claim to be the result of satisfying family life.

One of the theories regarding the development of relationships is described by John Van Epp in his Relationship Attachment Model.  (As seen below).
 

 

 What Epp suggests is that as we begin to develop a healthy relationship there ought to be a steady increase of these factors in left to right stage of importance.  The relationship begins to look more unhealthy, shaky, or empty when one of the factors to the right is higher than the one to the left.  An example could be seen if commitment is peaked and know is near the bottom.  It becomes dangerous when an individual is totally committed to another individual who they do not know very well.  If a relationship were to develop in this manner and the couple decided on marriage, think of the implications there would be if either spouse had something that the other did not expect, (ex. drug or alcohol addiction, etc.).  The ideal is to work your way from left to right in a relationship.  

In class this week we also discussed the implications to cohabiting couples.  What social scientists are seeing, and what they historically thought would help a marriage, is that cohabiting couples are generally more dissatisfied with their relationship than are married couples.  What they are also finding is that cohabiting couples are generally more prone to divorce.  Knowing this causes me a bit of confusion knowing that the number of cohabiting couples is increasing.  I feel this is an important issue to address.  If more single people in society knew the studies on cohabitation they would change their dating behaviors in an effort to not fall into this dangerous statistic.

Gender and Family Life

Gender is a fascinating thing.  This last week in Family Relations we discussed the differences and similarities of Gender and common behaviors that associate themselves with the male and female genders.  I feel one of the most important principles I learned this week is how to correctly define the words Feminine and Masculine.  These are the basic definitions that social scientists give these to words:

Feminine: Individuals who display expressive traits

• warm
• caring
• sensitive
• nurturing
• enable people to establish good interpersonal relationships

Masculine: Individuals who display instrumental traits

• aggressive
• competitive
• self confident
• logical
• enable people to achieve goals 

In Marriage and Family:  The Quest for Intimacy, Lauer says, "At first, it seems reasonable to assume that masculine and feminine are the two extremes of one dimension.  That is, the more masculine you are, the less feminine and vice versa.  But social scientists agree that masculinity and femininity are not opposites that exclude each other.  Instead of a continuum, with masculine at one end and feminine at the other, gender-role orientation must be understood as two-dimensional."