In this last weeks class we discussed the difference between a covenant and a contract. Along with this, I have also given the family as a unit in society a lot of thought. I have heard from many different people, and many different professions, that family is the fabric of society. Every individual family and their movement in society make up the success or break up of society as a whole. I find this to be a powerful observation. If it is so than why has the idea of family been taken down a rung or two on the priority list of the human living experience?
One example of this lessening of importance can be seen in the marriage agreement itself. In order to recognize the change, it helps to understand the definition of the two words: Contract and Covenant.
Contract: Two people/parties meet with agreements on both sides. If one party keeps up there end of the agreement then the other party must do the same. If one party fails to keep up there end of the agreement then the contract is null and void.
Covenant: Two people/parties meet together and agree on terms that are binding. Binding in that if one party fails to keep up their end of the agreement then the covenant still demands the agreement to be kept by the other party.
What we are beginning to see in the society of marriage is a "contract" attitude towards marriage. I can understand why people would look at this as good and/or bad. However, I would invite all of you to consider the affect that this might have on the fabric of our society; which we all expect to be successful.
Monday, December 10, 2012
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Parenting
For the last weeks section on parenting we reviewed and discussed Popkin's approach to parenting and some of the techniques he says are affective in raising children.
He highlighted 4 different traits that a parent should pass on to their children in order to be a successful parent. I found the list to be very beneficial.
"It is essential to understand the complexity of child rearing in order to judge its participants fairly. Parents cannot protect and guide without at the same time controlling and restricting. Children cannot grow and become individuated without rejecting and attacking. The process of socialization is inherently conflictual. Any therapeutic input that challenges a dysfunctional process between parents and children must at the same time support its participants" (p. 58).
He highlighted 4 different traits that a parent should pass on to their children in order to be a successful parent. I found the list to be very beneficial.
- Courage (the root word being coeur, which is heart in french)
- Cooperation (also known as co-work)
- Responsibility (the ability to respond to challenges and opportunities)
- Respect
- Authoritarian Parent - Autocratic or superstrict
- Permissive Parent - Laissez-faire or doormat style
- Active Parent - Involved and seeks to instill in the child the 4 traits mentioned above
"It is essential to understand the complexity of child rearing in order to judge its participants fairly. Parents cannot protect and guide without at the same time controlling and restricting. Children cannot grow and become individuated without rejecting and attacking. The process of socialization is inherently conflictual. Any therapeutic input that challenges a dysfunctional process between parents and children must at the same time support its participants" (p. 58).
Monday, November 26, 2012
Fathers and Finances
As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints I seek after an ideal of family living which involves equality and varying roles among husband and wife. This last week we discussed research topics that involved Work and Home.
One consistency I found had to do with the challenges that develop when both parents are working outside of the home--at least while they are raising a family. The textbook chapter also mentioned that work outside the home and work as we define it today has drastically changed over the last few hundred years. It also mentioned how the industrial revolution caused a great shift in the way we view parents who take on the job of "homemaker." In the textbook Marriage and Family, Lauer and Lauer (2012) state:
"...it is defined generally as nonwork, or at least as not real work...Of course...homemaking is every bit as demanding and exhausting as any work outside the home. Indeed, men who spend time taking care of a house and children understand that homemaking is real work,"
I feel it is important that we recognize the equality between husband and wife. I find no reason or logic to weigh homemaking and outside work against each other. Both are demanding, both require dedication and hard work.
One consistency I found had to do with the challenges that develop when both parents are working outside of the home--at least while they are raising a family. The textbook chapter also mentioned that work outside the home and work as we define it today has drastically changed over the last few hundred years. It also mentioned how the industrial revolution caused a great shift in the way we view parents who take on the job of "homemaker." In the textbook Marriage and Family, Lauer and Lauer (2012) state:
"...it is defined generally as nonwork, or at least as not real work...Of course...homemaking is every bit as demanding and exhausting as any work outside the home. Indeed, men who spend time taking care of a house and children understand that homemaking is real work,"
I feel it is important that we recognize the equality between husband and wife. I find no reason or logic to weigh homemaking and outside work against each other. Both are demanding, both require dedication and hard work.
Friday, November 16, 2012
Communication
Fun Facts Regarding Communication:
- Compromise is not the very best way to make decisions in a relationship--contrary to popular belief.
- Practicing communication skills has thought to have been the number one relationship enhancer. Research shows that those who receive counseling in communication skills actually show a decrease in marital satisfaction.
What has shown to be the very best method of decision making can be labeled as the collaborative decision making process or conflict resolution.
- Compromise is not the very best way to make decisions in a relationship--contrary to popular belief.
- Practicing communication skills has thought to have been the number one relationship enhancer. Research shows that those who receive counseling in communication skills actually show a decrease in marital satisfaction.
What has shown to be the very best method of decision making can be labeled as the collaborative decision making process or conflict resolution.
- Identify/define issues
- Contract to work through the issue
- Clarify the issue completely
- Identify wants for self, others, and us
- Identify alternatives - brainstorm
- Solidifying agreements - choose plan of action - think win/win
- try the plan and review/renegotiate
Monday, November 12, 2012
The Family Under Stress
For this last weeks class we discussed different crises that inevitably come up in a family setting. We were asked to think of a few that we would expect for our future family, and then anticipate how you could best be able to handle that crisis. I thought of crises such as:
In the our textbook it says, "You can't control all of the things that happen in your life, but you can control the way you respond to them." One of the ways that we map out a crisis event in our class is by the ABCX model:
Some of the coping strategies that I read in the textbook seemed to be very helpful and sensible. One example reads: "It is important to believe in yourself and in your ability to deal with difficult situations in order to be effective in a crisis. In a crisis, you may have to remind yourself that you and your family are people with strengths and the capacity to cope effectively."
- getting into grad school and having to move
- the birth of the first child
- settling down in a more permanent residence
- birth of other children
Actual (stress) event
Both resources and responses
Cognition
total eXperience Some of the coping strategies that I read in the textbook seemed to be very helpful and sensible. One example reads: "It is important to believe in yourself and in your ability to deal with difficult situations in order to be effective in a crisis. In a crisis, you may have to remind yourself that you and your family are people with strengths and the capacity to cope effectively."
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Sexual Intimacy and Family Life
I held a great misconception for the most of my life regarding sexual intimacy as it is expressed by individuals who adhere to religious practice; Christianity in particular. I always held the belief that all Christians looked at sexual intimacy as evil, and in the context of marriage, an expression of love to be very limited. The truth is that I was very wrong.
Sexual intimacy, in the context of pure religion is divinely appointed by God. Sex is necessary; not only for the propagation of our race but for the uniting of a man and a woman--united under the act of marriage. When sexual intimacy is understood in this context I feel it can be taught to young people in the proper way. In today's society children are more likely to learn about sex from the media than from their parents. What results is a sex-crazed younger generation with ill-conceived views on the proper expression of sexual intimacy between husband and wife.
Sexual intimacy, in the context of pure religion is divinely appointed by God. Sex is necessary; not only for the propagation of our race but for the uniting of a man and a woman--united under the act of marriage. When sexual intimacy is understood in this context I feel it can be taught to young people in the proper way. In today's society children are more likely to learn about sex from the media than from their parents. What results is a sex-crazed younger generation with ill-conceived views on the proper expression of sexual intimacy between husband and wife.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Transitions in Marriage
In class this last week I realized that there is so much I have never even considered when it comes to marriage and having kids.
One aspect of preparing to have children that I feel was the most important to me was husband involvement with the pregnancy of the wife. As husband and wife, during their childless time together develop behaviors and routines that begin to make up what Salvador Minuchin would call a spouse subsystem. Minuchin explains what happens when a child is introduced to the family.
"A new level of family formation is reached with the birth of the first child. The spouse subsystem in an intact family must now differentiate to perform the tasks of socializing a child without losing the mutual support that should characterize the spouse subsystem. A boundary must be drawn which allows the child access to both parents while excluding him [or her] from spouse functions. Some couples who do well as a group of two are never able to make a satisfactory transition to the interactions of a group of three," (Minuchin, 1980, p. 57).
I feel that in order to avoid this pitfall that Minuchin warns of, a couple has the opportunity to begin their family system of three before the child is even born. This includes--as discussed in class--husbands attending prenatal appointments with wife, husband is actively engaged in progress of pregnancy, and seeks to help wife in any way possible. The more involved the husband is with the child, the smoother the transition will be once the system moves from 2 to 3, 3 to 4, 4 to 5, and so on.
One aspect of preparing to have children that I feel was the most important to me was husband involvement with the pregnancy of the wife. As husband and wife, during their childless time together develop behaviors and routines that begin to make up what Salvador Minuchin would call a spouse subsystem. Minuchin explains what happens when a child is introduced to the family.
"A new level of family formation is reached with the birth of the first child. The spouse subsystem in an intact family must now differentiate to perform the tasks of socializing a child without losing the mutual support that should characterize the spouse subsystem. A boundary must be drawn which allows the child access to both parents while excluding him [or her] from spouse functions. Some couples who do well as a group of two are never able to make a satisfactory transition to the interactions of a group of three," (Minuchin, 1980, p. 57).
I feel that in order to avoid this pitfall that Minuchin warns of, a couple has the opportunity to begin their family system of three before the child is even born. This includes--as discussed in class--husbands attending prenatal appointments with wife, husband is actively engaged in progress of pregnancy, and seeks to help wife in any way possible. The more involved the husband is with the child, the smoother the transition will be once the system moves from 2 to 3, 3 to 4, 4 to 5, and so on.
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