Transitions in Marriage

In class this last week I realized that there is so much I have never even considered when it comes to marriage and having kids.

One aspect of preparing to have children that I feel was the most important to me was husband involvement with the pregnancy of the wife.  As husband and wife, during their childless time together develop behaviors and routines that begin to make up what Salvador Minuchin would call a spouse subsystem.  Minuchin explains what happens when a child is introduced to the family.

 

"A new level of family formation is reached with the birth of the first child.  The spouse subsystem in an intact family must now differentiate to perform the tasks of socializing a child without losing the mutual support that should characterize the spouse subsystem.  A boundary must be drawn which allows the child access to both parents while excluding him [or her] from spouse functions.  Some couples who do well as a group of two are never able to make a satisfactory transition to the interactions of a group of three," (Minuchin, 1980, p. 57).

I feel that in order to avoid this pitfall that Minuchin warns of, a couple has the opportunity to begin their family system of three before the child is even born.  This includes--as discussed in class--husbands attending prenatal appointments with wife, husband is actively engaged in progress of pregnancy, and seeks to help wife in any way possible.  The more involved the husband is with the child, the smoother the transition will be once the system moves from 2 to 3, 3 to 4, 4 to 5, and so on.

Preparing For Marriage

If there was one idea that I hoped all of my closest family and friends understood it would be this: The main principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ as applied to the family in the effort to build and maintain a satisfying family life,  are the same principles that social scientists claim to be the result of satisfying family life.

One of the theories regarding the development of relationships is described by John Van Epp in his Relationship Attachment Model.  (As seen below).
 

 

 What Epp suggests is that as we begin to develop a healthy relationship there ought to be a steady increase of these factors in left to right stage of importance.  The relationship begins to look more unhealthy, shaky, or empty when one of the factors to the right is higher than the one to the left.  An example could be seen if commitment is peaked and know is near the bottom.  It becomes dangerous when an individual is totally committed to another individual who they do not know very well.  If a relationship were to develop in this manner and the couple decided on marriage, think of the implications there would be if either spouse had something that the other did not expect, (ex. drug or alcohol addiction, etc.).  The ideal is to work your way from left to right in a relationship.  

In class this week we also discussed the implications to cohabiting couples.  What social scientists are seeing, and what they historically thought would help a marriage, is that cohabiting couples are generally more dissatisfied with their relationship than are married couples.  What they are also finding is that cohabiting couples are generally more prone to divorce.  Knowing this causes me a bit of confusion knowing that the number of cohabiting couples is increasing.  I feel this is an important issue to address.  If more single people in society knew the studies on cohabitation they would change their dating behaviors in an effort to not fall into this dangerous statistic.

Gender and Family Life

Gender is a fascinating thing.  This last week in Family Relations we discussed the differences and similarities of Gender and common behaviors that associate themselves with the male and female genders.  I feel one of the most important principles I learned this week is how to correctly define the words Feminine and Masculine.  These are the basic definitions that social scientists give these to words:

Feminine: Individuals who display expressive traits

• warm
• caring
• sensitive
• nurturing
• enable people to establish good interpersonal relationships

Masculine: Individuals who display instrumental traits

• aggressive
• competitive
• self confident
• logical
• enable people to achieve goals 

In Marriage and Family:  The Quest for Intimacy, Lauer says, "At first, it seems reasonable to assume that masculine and feminine are the two extremes of one dimension.  That is, the more masculine you are, the less feminine and vice versa.  But social scientists agree that masculinity and femininity are not opposites that exclude each other.  Instead of a continuum, with masculine at one end and feminine at the other, gender-role orientation must be understood as two-dimensional."  
 

Social Class and Cultural Diversity

This week in Family Relations we spent a lot of time discussing the correlations of social class, family needs, and culture.  It seems generally understood that the social class you grow up in will be the social class you find yourself in later on in life.  However, I do not think this is always the case.  I find the United States to be a unique country for this very reason.  Opportunity is always right around the corner--depending on how hard you want to work for it.

Another correlate we looked at was between providing family needs and household income.  The question we can ask ourselves is,  "Does money guarantee a happy family?"  The considered answer is no. When we think of what a family really needs, these components come to mind:

• support system
• basic needs provided for
• a suitable environment to teach children correct principles (values)
• sense of security

All of these components deal little with a large income.  However, I am not saying that making money will mean bad news for a family.  On the contrary, making a good amount of money alleviates the strain of life's demand and creates an atmosphere for happiness that one must choose, whether your making $30,000 or $300,000 the choice must still be made.

Values that are taught to children at a young age are instilled more permanently than when they are older.  Similarly, values that are taught to children by a parents example are also instilled into children at a very young age.  The values of hard work, respect, gratitude, and charity are all values that children can obtain at a young age.  

More on issue of pre-marital birth

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F0Oqeov0Gcw

Dynamics and Theories of the Family

This weeks class was especially interesting for me.  Throughout this year I have been studying the well known family therapist, Salvador Minuchin.  Minuchin played a very crucial role in the development of family systems therapy.  I greatly admire his work and find his personality to be very interesting and quite humorous.  As I read of family systems theory and as we went over it this last week I have begun to notice that my family has been so much more important in the development of who I am today than I could have ever have imagined in my adolescents.  I would go even further to say that Family Systems theory has helped me to recognize the family to be one of the most complex institutions that we humans are involved in.

If you are reading this and you do not know what family systems theory is or you are still having a hard time understanding its significance, allow me to quote from Salvador Minuchin from his book Families and Family Therapy. 

 

       "Instead of focusing on the individual, the therapist [focuses] on the person within his family. ...Structural family therapy, [is] a body of theory and techniques that approaches the individual in his or [her] social context. ...Man's [and woman's] experience is determined by...[their] interaction with...[their] environment."

     To further describe family systems theory, Minuchin quotes Ortega y Gasset when he said, "I am myself plus my circumstances, and if I do not save it, I cannot save myself.  This sector of circumstantial reality forms the other half of my person; only through it can I integrate and be fully myself."

• With that quote in mind, consider these questions.  Who would you be without the influence of your parents or siblings?  Would you be the same?  How much of their behavior has contributed to your behavior today?

     

Societal Trends and the Family

Societal trends are behaviors within a society that are repeated over a period of time.  Research finds that many of the family societal trends today are causing changes in the make-up of a family.

A few of the Societal trends we discussed in class are as follows:
-Waiting longer to marry
-Cohabitation
-Fewer children
-Non-marital births
-employed mothers
-Household size
-Divorce rates
-Living alone
-Premarital sex

Depending on upbringing and culture and many others circumstances, these trends could be looked at in different ways by different people.  I do feel however that there are a few that ought to cause concern for anyone, no matter what culture you belong to.  I would like to hear your thoughts and reasoning if you were to disagree.  I admit that what I have learned of family trends is very base and minimal when it comes to the actual research to the trends.  So I appreciate the feedback.

One of the trends that I feel strongly about is Non-marital births.  This trend is simply when a mother gives birth to a child who does not have a father and mother who are married.  This circumstance may have various implications.  The mother could be single and will need to raise the child on her own.  The mother may be receiving child support from a boyfriend who is willing to help financially but not physically.  Or, the mother and boyfriend could be cohabiting and they are willing to raise the child together unmarried.  Although I feel the latter situation is the most ideal out of the three, I still think it can be improved.  A few questions I asked myself when I first learned of this societal family trend were; What happens to the child? What do studies show with children who grow up in a single-parent home as compared to a home with a mother and father?  Are there differences between a cohabiting couple and a married couple in terms of commitment?  I wish to, throughout this semester, find answers to these questions.  I have heard that the research is out there.  I would also make it a point to include the research to these trends and their impact when I do come across such studies.  I encourage you to search as well.