In this last weeks class we discussed the difference between a covenant and a contract. Along with this, I have also given the family as a unit in society a lot of thought. I have heard from many different people, and many different professions, that family is the fabric of society. Every individual family and their movement in society make up the success or break up of society as a whole. I find this to be a powerful observation. If it is so than why has the idea of family been taken down a rung or two on the priority list of the human living experience?
One example of this lessening of importance can be seen in the marriage agreement itself. In order to recognize the change, it helps to understand the definition of the two words: Contract and Covenant.
Contract: Two people/parties meet with agreements on both sides. If one party keeps up there end of the agreement then the other party must do the same. If one party fails to keep up there end of the agreement then the contract is null and void.
Covenant: Two people/parties meet together and agree on terms that are binding. Binding in that if one party fails to keep up their end of the agreement then the covenant still demands the agreement to be kept by the other party.
What we are beginning to see in the society of marriage is a "contract" attitude towards marriage. I can understand why people would look at this as good and/or bad. However, I would invite all of you to consider the affect that this might have on the fabric of our society; which we all expect to be successful.
Monday, December 10, 2012
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Parenting
For the last weeks section on parenting we reviewed and discussed Popkin's approach to parenting and some of the techniques he says are affective in raising children.
He highlighted 4 different traits that a parent should pass on to their children in order to be a successful parent. I found the list to be very beneficial.
"It is essential to understand the complexity of child rearing in order to judge its participants fairly. Parents cannot protect and guide without at the same time controlling and restricting. Children cannot grow and become individuated without rejecting and attacking. The process of socialization is inherently conflictual. Any therapeutic input that challenges a dysfunctional process between parents and children must at the same time support its participants" (p. 58).
He highlighted 4 different traits that a parent should pass on to their children in order to be a successful parent. I found the list to be very beneficial.
- Courage (the root word being coeur, which is heart in french)
- Cooperation (also known as co-work)
- Responsibility (the ability to respond to challenges and opportunities)
- Respect
- Authoritarian Parent - Autocratic or superstrict
- Permissive Parent - Laissez-faire or doormat style
- Active Parent - Involved and seeks to instill in the child the 4 traits mentioned above
"It is essential to understand the complexity of child rearing in order to judge its participants fairly. Parents cannot protect and guide without at the same time controlling and restricting. Children cannot grow and become individuated without rejecting and attacking. The process of socialization is inherently conflictual. Any therapeutic input that challenges a dysfunctional process between parents and children must at the same time support its participants" (p. 58).
Monday, November 26, 2012
Fathers and Finances
As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints I seek after an ideal of family living which involves equality and varying roles among husband and wife. This last week we discussed research topics that involved Work and Home.
One consistency I found had to do with the challenges that develop when both parents are working outside of the home--at least while they are raising a family. The textbook chapter also mentioned that work outside the home and work as we define it today has drastically changed over the last few hundred years. It also mentioned how the industrial revolution caused a great shift in the way we view parents who take on the job of "homemaker." In the textbook Marriage and Family, Lauer and Lauer (2012) state:
"...it is defined generally as nonwork, or at least as not real work...Of course...homemaking is every bit as demanding and exhausting as any work outside the home. Indeed, men who spend time taking care of a house and children understand that homemaking is real work,"
I feel it is important that we recognize the equality between husband and wife. I find no reason or logic to weigh homemaking and outside work against each other. Both are demanding, both require dedication and hard work.
One consistency I found had to do with the challenges that develop when both parents are working outside of the home--at least while they are raising a family. The textbook chapter also mentioned that work outside the home and work as we define it today has drastically changed over the last few hundred years. It also mentioned how the industrial revolution caused a great shift in the way we view parents who take on the job of "homemaker." In the textbook Marriage and Family, Lauer and Lauer (2012) state:
"...it is defined generally as nonwork, or at least as not real work...Of course...homemaking is every bit as demanding and exhausting as any work outside the home. Indeed, men who spend time taking care of a house and children understand that homemaking is real work,"
I feel it is important that we recognize the equality between husband and wife. I find no reason or logic to weigh homemaking and outside work against each other. Both are demanding, both require dedication and hard work.
Friday, November 16, 2012
Communication
Fun Facts Regarding Communication:
- Compromise is not the very best way to make decisions in a relationship--contrary to popular belief.
- Practicing communication skills has thought to have been the number one relationship enhancer. Research shows that those who receive counseling in communication skills actually show a decrease in marital satisfaction.
What has shown to be the very best method of decision making can be labeled as the collaborative decision making process or conflict resolution.
- Compromise is not the very best way to make decisions in a relationship--contrary to popular belief.
- Practicing communication skills has thought to have been the number one relationship enhancer. Research shows that those who receive counseling in communication skills actually show a decrease in marital satisfaction.
What has shown to be the very best method of decision making can be labeled as the collaborative decision making process or conflict resolution.
- Identify/define issues
- Contract to work through the issue
- Clarify the issue completely
- Identify wants for self, others, and us
- Identify alternatives - brainstorm
- Solidifying agreements - choose plan of action - think win/win
- try the plan and review/renegotiate
Monday, November 12, 2012
The Family Under Stress
For this last weeks class we discussed different crises that inevitably come up in a family setting. We were asked to think of a few that we would expect for our future family, and then anticipate how you could best be able to handle that crisis. I thought of crises such as:
In the our textbook it says, "You can't control all of the things that happen in your life, but you can control the way you respond to them." One of the ways that we map out a crisis event in our class is by the ABCX model:
Some of the coping strategies that I read in the textbook seemed to be very helpful and sensible. One example reads: "It is important to believe in yourself and in your ability to deal with difficult situations in order to be effective in a crisis. In a crisis, you may have to remind yourself that you and your family are people with strengths and the capacity to cope effectively."
- getting into grad school and having to move
- the birth of the first child
- settling down in a more permanent residence
- birth of other children
Actual (stress) event
Both resources and responses
Cognition
total eXperience Some of the coping strategies that I read in the textbook seemed to be very helpful and sensible. One example reads: "It is important to believe in yourself and in your ability to deal with difficult situations in order to be effective in a crisis. In a crisis, you may have to remind yourself that you and your family are people with strengths and the capacity to cope effectively."
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Sexual Intimacy and Family Life
I held a great misconception for the most of my life regarding sexual intimacy as it is expressed by individuals who adhere to religious practice; Christianity in particular. I always held the belief that all Christians looked at sexual intimacy as evil, and in the context of marriage, an expression of love to be very limited. The truth is that I was very wrong.
Sexual intimacy, in the context of pure religion is divinely appointed by God. Sex is necessary; not only for the propagation of our race but for the uniting of a man and a woman--united under the act of marriage. When sexual intimacy is understood in this context I feel it can be taught to young people in the proper way. In today's society children are more likely to learn about sex from the media than from their parents. What results is a sex-crazed younger generation with ill-conceived views on the proper expression of sexual intimacy between husband and wife.
Sexual intimacy, in the context of pure religion is divinely appointed by God. Sex is necessary; not only for the propagation of our race but for the uniting of a man and a woman--united under the act of marriage. When sexual intimacy is understood in this context I feel it can be taught to young people in the proper way. In today's society children are more likely to learn about sex from the media than from their parents. What results is a sex-crazed younger generation with ill-conceived views on the proper expression of sexual intimacy between husband and wife.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Transitions in Marriage
In class this last week I realized that there is so much I have never even considered when it comes to marriage and having kids.
One aspect of preparing to have children that I feel was the most important to me was husband involvement with the pregnancy of the wife. As husband and wife, during their childless time together develop behaviors and routines that begin to make up what Salvador Minuchin would call a spouse subsystem. Minuchin explains what happens when a child is introduced to the family.
"A new level of family formation is reached with the birth of the first child. The spouse subsystem in an intact family must now differentiate to perform the tasks of socializing a child without losing the mutual support that should characterize the spouse subsystem. A boundary must be drawn which allows the child access to both parents while excluding him [or her] from spouse functions. Some couples who do well as a group of two are never able to make a satisfactory transition to the interactions of a group of three," (Minuchin, 1980, p. 57).
I feel that in order to avoid this pitfall that Minuchin warns of, a couple has the opportunity to begin their family system of three before the child is even born. This includes--as discussed in class--husbands attending prenatal appointments with wife, husband is actively engaged in progress of pregnancy, and seeks to help wife in any way possible. The more involved the husband is with the child, the smoother the transition will be once the system moves from 2 to 3, 3 to 4, 4 to 5, and so on.
One aspect of preparing to have children that I feel was the most important to me was husband involvement with the pregnancy of the wife. As husband and wife, during their childless time together develop behaviors and routines that begin to make up what Salvador Minuchin would call a spouse subsystem. Minuchin explains what happens when a child is introduced to the family.
"A new level of family formation is reached with the birth of the first child. The spouse subsystem in an intact family must now differentiate to perform the tasks of socializing a child without losing the mutual support that should characterize the spouse subsystem. A boundary must be drawn which allows the child access to both parents while excluding him [or her] from spouse functions. Some couples who do well as a group of two are never able to make a satisfactory transition to the interactions of a group of three," (Minuchin, 1980, p. 57).
I feel that in order to avoid this pitfall that Minuchin warns of, a couple has the opportunity to begin their family system of three before the child is even born. This includes--as discussed in class--husbands attending prenatal appointments with wife, husband is actively engaged in progress of pregnancy, and seeks to help wife in any way possible. The more involved the husband is with the child, the smoother the transition will be once the system moves from 2 to 3, 3 to 4, 4 to 5, and so on.
Friday, October 19, 2012
Preparing For Marriage
If there was one idea that I hoped all of my closest family and friends understood it would be this: The main principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ as applied to the family in the effort to build and maintain a satisfying family life, are the same principles that social scientists claim to be the result of satisfying family life.
One of the theories regarding the development of relationships is described by John Van Epp in his Relationship Attachment Model. (As seen below).
What Epp suggests is that as we begin to develop a healthy relationship there ought to be a steady increase of these factors in left to right stage of importance. The relationship begins to look more unhealthy, shaky, or empty when one of the factors to the right is higher than the one to the left. An example could be seen if commitment is peaked and know is near the bottom. It becomes dangerous when an individual is totally committed to another individual who they do not know very well. If a relationship were to develop in this manner and the couple decided on marriage, think of the implications there would be if either spouse had something that the other did not expect, (ex. drug or alcohol addiction, etc.). The ideal is to work your way from left to right in a relationship.
In class this week we also discussed the implications to cohabiting couples. What social scientists are seeing, and what they historically thought would help a marriage, is that cohabiting couples are generally more dissatisfied with their relationship than are married couples. What they are also finding is that cohabiting couples are generally more prone to divorce. Knowing this causes me a bit of confusion knowing that the number of cohabiting couples is increasing. I feel this is an important issue to address. If more single people in society knew the studies on cohabitation they would change their dating behaviors in an effort to not fall into this dangerous statistic.
One of the theories regarding the development of relationships is described by John Van Epp in his Relationship Attachment Model. (As seen below).
In class this week we also discussed the implications to cohabiting couples. What social scientists are seeing, and what they historically thought would help a marriage, is that cohabiting couples are generally more dissatisfied with their relationship than are married couples. What they are also finding is that cohabiting couples are generally more prone to divorce. Knowing this causes me a bit of confusion knowing that the number of cohabiting couples is increasing. I feel this is an important issue to address. If more single people in society knew the studies on cohabitation they would change their dating behaviors in an effort to not fall into this dangerous statistic.
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Gender and Family Life
Gender is a fascinating thing. This last week in Family Relations we discussed the differences and similarities of Gender and common behaviors that associate themselves with the male and female genders. I feel one of the most important principles I learned this week is how to correctly define the words Feminine and Masculine. These are the basic definitions that social scientists give these to words:
Feminine: Individuals who display expressive traits
Feminine: Individuals who display expressive traits
- warm
- caring
- sensitive
- nurturing
- enable people to establish good interpersonal relationships
- aggressive
- competitive
- self confident
- logical
- enable people to achieve goals
Friday, October 5, 2012
Social Class and Cultural Diversity
This week in Family Relations we spent a lot of time discussing the correlations of social class, family needs, and culture. It seems generally understood that the social class you grow up in will be the social class you find yourself in later on in life. However, I do not think this is always the case. I find the United States to be a unique country for this very reason. Opportunity is always right around the corner--depending on how hard you want to work for it.
Another correlate we looked at was between providing family needs and household income. The question we can ask ourselves is, "Does money guarantee a happy family?" The considered answer is no. When we think of what a family really needs, these components come to mind:
Values that are taught to children at a young age are instilled more permanently than when they are older. Similarly, values that are taught to children by a parents example are also instilled into children at a very young age. The values of hard work, respect, gratitude, and charity are all values that children can obtain at a young age.
Another correlate we looked at was between providing family needs and household income. The question we can ask ourselves is, "Does money guarantee a happy family?" The considered answer is no. When we think of what a family really needs, these components come to mind:
- support system
- basic needs provided for
- a suitable environment to teach children correct principles (values)
- sense of security
Values that are taught to children at a young age are instilled more permanently than when they are older. Similarly, values that are taught to children by a parents example are also instilled into children at a very young age. The values of hard work, respect, gratitude, and charity are all values that children can obtain at a young age.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Friday, September 28, 2012
Dynamics and Theories of the Family
This weeks class was especially interesting for me. Throughout this year I have been studying the well known family therapist, Salvador Minuchin. Minuchin played a very crucial role in the development of family systems therapy. I greatly admire his work and find his personality to be very interesting and quite humorous. As I read of family systems theory and as we went over it this last week I have begun to notice that my family has been so much more important in the development of who I am today than I could have ever have imagined in my adolescents. I would go even further to say that Family Systems theory has helped me to recognize the family to be one of the most complex institutions that we humans are involved in.
If you are reading this and you do not know what family systems theory is or you are still having a hard time understanding its significance, allow me to quote from Salvador Minuchin from his book Families and Family Therapy.
To further describe family systems theory, Minuchin quotes Ortega y Gasset when he said, "I am myself plus my circumstances, and if I do not save it, I cannot save myself. This sector of circumstantial reality forms the other half of my person; only through it can I integrate and be fully myself."
If you are reading this and you do not know what family systems theory is or you are still having a hard time understanding its significance, allow me to quote from Salvador Minuchin from his book Families and Family Therapy.
"Instead of focusing on the individual, the therapist [focuses] on the person within his family. ...Structural family therapy, [is] a body of theory and techniques that approaches the individual in his or [her] social context. ...Man's [and woman's] experience is determined by...[their] interaction with...[their] environment."
To further describe family systems theory, Minuchin quotes Ortega y Gasset when he said, "I am myself plus my circumstances, and if I do not save it, I cannot save myself. This sector of circumstantial reality forms the other half of my person; only through it can I integrate and be fully myself."
- With that quote in mind, consider these questions. Who would you be without the influence of your parents or siblings? Would you be the same? How much of their behavior has contributed to your behavior today?
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Societal Trends and the Family
Societal trends are behaviors within a society that are repeated over a period of time. Research finds that many of the family societal trends today are causing changes in the make-up of a family.
A few of the Societal trends we discussed in class are as follows:
-Waiting longer to marry
-Cohabitation
-Fewer children
-Non-marital births
-employed mothers
-Household size
-Divorce rates
-Living alone
-Premarital sex
Depending on upbringing and culture and many others circumstances, these trends could be looked at in different ways by different people. I do feel however that there are a few that ought to cause concern for anyone, no matter what culture you belong to. I would like to hear your thoughts and reasoning if you were to disagree. I admit that what I have learned of family trends is very base and minimal when it comes to the actual research to the trends. So I appreciate the feedback.
One of the trends that I feel strongly about is Non-marital births. This trend is simply when a mother gives birth to a child who does not have a father and mother who are married. This circumstance may have various implications. The mother could be single and will need to raise the child on her own. The mother may be receiving child support from a boyfriend who is willing to help financially but not physically. Or, the mother and boyfriend could be cohabiting and they are willing to raise the child together unmarried. Although I feel the latter situation is the most ideal out of the three, I still think it can be improved. A few questions I asked myself when I first learned of this societal family trend were; What happens to the child? What do studies show with children who grow up in a single-parent home as compared to a home with a mother and father? Are there differences between a cohabiting couple and a married couple in terms of commitment? I wish to, throughout this semester, find answers to these questions. I have heard that the research is out there. I would also make it a point to include the research to these trends and their impact when I do come across such studies. I encourage you to search as well.
A few of the Societal trends we discussed in class are as follows:
-Waiting longer to marry
-Cohabitation
-Fewer children
-Non-marital births
-employed mothers
-Household size
-Divorce rates
-Living alone
-Premarital sex
Depending on upbringing and culture and many others circumstances, these trends could be looked at in different ways by different people. I do feel however that there are a few that ought to cause concern for anyone, no matter what culture you belong to. I would like to hear your thoughts and reasoning if you were to disagree. I admit that what I have learned of family trends is very base and minimal when it comes to the actual research to the trends. So I appreciate the feedback.
One of the trends that I feel strongly about is Non-marital births. This trend is simply when a mother gives birth to a child who does not have a father and mother who are married. This circumstance may have various implications. The mother could be single and will need to raise the child on her own. The mother may be receiving child support from a boyfriend who is willing to help financially but not physically. Or, the mother and boyfriend could be cohabiting and they are willing to raise the child together unmarried. Although I feel the latter situation is the most ideal out of the three, I still think it can be improved. A few questions I asked myself when I first learned of this societal family trend were; What happens to the child? What do studies show with children who grow up in a single-parent home as compared to a home with a mother and father? Are there differences between a cohabiting couple and a married couple in terms of commitment? I wish to, throughout this semester, find answers to these questions. I have heard that the research is out there. I would also make it a point to include the research to these trends and their impact when I do come across such studies. I encourage you to search as well.
Friday, September 14, 2012
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